Comedy Night/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent. Brent Leroy: I see they're building that new call centre. Hank: Where? Brent: Up in Wullerton. Lacey Burrows: Why does everybody do that? Brent: Do what? Lacey: Spit. Brent: We don't spit. Lacey: Yes, you do. You spit every time anybody says Wullerton. Brent: Oh. Did we do it again? I'm sorry. If it bothers you, we'll make an effort not to spit whenever anybody mentions that place. Lacey: I'd appreciate that. Oscar Leroy: Hey! They're building that new call centre, in Wullerton. Lacey: Oh! Brent: You're one of us now. Lacey: Is that the "Life of Pi? Karen Pelly: Have you read it? Lacey: Yeah, I loved it. A little boy trapped in a lifeboat with a tiger. It's so moving. Wanda Dollard: Are you talking about the "Life of Pi?" Lacey: Yeah. Do you know it? Wanda: Are you kidding? It's only my favourite maritime tiger novel. Emma Leroy: Oh. What's that? Wanda: "Life of Pi." Oscar: I'd like some pie. Emma: It's a book. The last book Oscar read was the owner's manual to our toaster oven. Oscar: Talk about dull. Hank: Hey, guess who's coming to town? Brent: Some guy? Hank: No. Yeah. Bob Lang. Davis Quinton: Who? Brent: Oh, he's that stand-up comedian who played here last year. Good guy. We hung out. Hank: It was a great show. I was literally rolling in the aisles. Davis: You mean you were figuratively rolling in the aisles. Brent: I wish he were figuratively rolling in the aisles. Hank: Anyways, he's going to be on TV tonight. I mean, ain't that cool? Maybe he'll mention Dog River. Davis: Actually rolling in the aisles, like on the floor, laughing? Brent: You really had not to be there. Lacey: We all liked "Life of Pi" so much. Maybe we should get together sometime and talk about it. Karen: You mean like a book club? Lacey: Yeah. Emma: I don't know, bunch of women sitting around talking about books. Karen: Yeah, it sounds kind girly. Wanda: Would we all drink tea and eat little sandwiches? Lacey: We could. Oh. You're saying that's a bad thing? Wanda: Yeah. Lacey: OK, look, it doesn't have to be all female. We could get a man could join. Karen: Hmm, like who? Lacey: I don't know. Brent. Emma: This is my son Brent? Lacey: Yeah. Emma: Big head, runs a gas station? Lacey: Don't worry, I'll get him to join. I have a plan. Brent: Book club? Yeah, I'll join. Lacey: Oh. I thought I'd have to come up with a plan. Brent: Nah, I love books. I'm a voluptuous reader. Lacey: You're Emma's son, right, the guy who runs a gas station? Brent: You guys picked a book yet? 'Cause I've been itchin' to read "The Saint in New York." Lacey: The what? Brent: "The Saint." Simon Templar, British sleuth. Oh, forget the movie. Normally he fights British crooks and scammers but in this one he goes to New York and fights the mafia. Kind of a saint out of water story. Lacey: Oh. Well, that's great. Because we were thinking of the "Life of Pi." Everyone says it's like "The Saint in New York." Brent: Really? Lacey: Except it's about a boy trapped in a lifeboat with a tiger. Brent: All right. I'm game. Hey, will this book club have little sandwiches? Lacey: Absolutely. Oh. I mean, unless you're being sarcastic. Brent: I'm never sarcastic about sandwiches. Lacey: Wow. Brent, that was really dramatic. Hank: Hey, Paul, can I M.C. comedy night? Paul: Well I don't know. Do you have any material? Hank: I got this great bit about relationships. Paul: Make me laugh. Hank: Okay. Men and women are different in many ways. Paul: Yeah, that's pretty funny. Okay, you got the gig. Hank: Yes! Do I get free drinks? Paul: No. Hank: It's a deal. Lacey: Hey, here. I wrote a synopsis of "Life of Pi" for you and also wrote down some opinions. Brent: Whoa, whoa! What are doing? Lacey: Well so you'll have something to say. Brent: But I'm reading the book. Lacey: Oh. Brent: Yeah, I'm enjoying it. It's a wake-up call to the wild animal transportation industry. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: I mean you don't put a little boy into a boat with a jungle cat. Lacey: It was pretty harrowing for him. Brent: And for the tiger. Cats don't like water. Lacey: Tigers do, actually. They swim from island to island and also up river. Brent: And bounce around on their tails. Lacey: Will you take a look at these? Brent: Well, am I missing something? I mean you read the book and then you talk about it. It not "synopsis club." Hank: Cool. You guys startin' a hypnosis club? Brent: I said "synopsis." That doesn't even sound like hypnosis. Hank: Yeah, well, maybe there's a joke in there. Like instead of hypnosis, it's "hyp-nah-psis." And instead of synopsis, it's "sy-nope-sis." See, that's kinda funny. Like, okay, you said "synopsis club." Well, maybe it should be synopsis clu. C-L-U. Lacey: It's a book club, Hank. We're reading that. Hank: Ah, a detective novel. Lacey: What? Hank: Life of P.I., private investigator. Lacey: "Life of Pi", Pi. Hank: A cookbook, huh? Well, that's kinda dumb. Anyway, Paul's gonna let me M.C. comedy night. I mean, I'm quick, I'm sharp, like the way I came up with that "clu" thing. I just made that up off the top of my head. We didn't rehearse that, right, Brent? Brent: No, we did not. Unless we did and you made me forget it through hyp-nah-sis. Lacey: I don't know Hank. Stand-up can be pretty tough. I used to work at a comedy club. Hank: Great. Maybe you could show me how to get laughs. Lacey: No, no, no. I worked at a comedy club. I, I wasn't the one getting the laughs. Hank: Oh. Improv act. That's okay, Lacey. There's no shame in being an improv act. I mean one of my favourite shows is that "Whose Line is it Anyhow". Brent: Yeah, I like that show, too. I mean, but does that bald guy have to do a cameo on everything? Dave: Hey, Brent. Brent: Hey, Dave. Lacey: Look Hank, all I'm saying is comedy can be tough. You know, what if somebody heckles you? Hank: Oh, geez, she's right. What if people make fun of me. I, I don't think I could handle that. Brent: So you're under the impression we don't make fun of you? Oscar: Why can't we watch wrestling? Lacey: Hank wants to watch this comedy guy. Oscar: Ah, comedy's not funny. There's nothin' good on TV anymore. Brent: You were laughing at the TV last night. TV show: And so the lion pounces on the unsuspecting dingo. Oscar: Ha ha ha ha! Didn't see that comin'. Oscar: That stupid dingo. Lacey: A lion ate a dingo? Do they even live on the same continent? Oscar: It's funny. Don't overanalyse it. Hank: Okay, it's him. Talk Show Host (TV): And we are back with funny man Bob Lang. Oscar: Turn it to the nature channel. Something might be eating a dingo. Bob Lang (TV): Well, I had to go on tour in Saskatchewan. Talk Show Host (TV): You don't like Saskatchewan? Bob Lang (TV): No, it's just tough doing comedy in these little one-horse towns. Hank: Hey, he mentioned us. Lacey: I wouldn't exactly call that a mention. Bob Lang (TV): Last time I was in Saskatchewan, I decided to do a little hiking. And we had to cross this rushing river. But the thing is, I have this problem where I hear people wrong. So we're at this river and one of my buddies says, "Don't worry. We'll take a rowboat." And I thought he said robot. Brent: Hey! I don't believe this. This guy's stealin' my story. Lacey: What? Brent: This is my story! This didn't happen to him, it happened to me. It's my rowboat robot story. I told it to him last time he was here. Hank: Would you keep it down Brent. I'm trying to listen to your story. Lang (TV): So finally after holding this in for like an hour, I, I finally blurt, "What robot? What robot?" Brent: Man, this is my best story. I can't tell this to people now. Oscar: Come on, turn it to dingoes. Ding-oes, ding-oes, ding-oes! Brent: How many beers have you had? Lacey: So, what do you think? Brent: About the tiger book? It's grrr-eat! Lacey: You've been waitin' for somebody to ask you, so you could do that. Brent: I came up with it yesterday. Hank: Hey, guys, I think I got the solution. Brent: That's grrr-eat! Solution to what? Hank: You were worried that people might heckle me at the comedy night. Brent: I was, was I? Hank: Yeah. So here's my plan. Until comedy night, you guys heckle me all the time. That way, when it's time to do my act, I'm ready with the snappy comebacks. Brent: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, ya bonehead. Hank: Really? What's wrong with it? Lacey: I think Brent's heckling you, Hank, because you asked him to, like ten seconds ago. Hank: Oh. Thank you. Brent: Shut up. You suck. Hank: What? Why would he say something so hurtful? Lacey: I think this is where you do the snappy comeback. Hank: Oh. Well, maybe I shouldn't do the snappy comeback, maybe you should do the snappy comeback. Bonehead. Lacey: Good work. Look, Hank, a lot of comedians have standard lines they use on hecklers. I could write some down for you and drop them by later. Hank: Cool. I can make flashcards. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: So, you're gonna do some hiking, uh? Yeah, I remember one time I was hiking and had to cross this deep river. And my buddy says, "I know where we can get a rowboat." But I misheard him. Darren (Man): Yeah. I watch TV too. Oscar: Hey, little sandwiches. Emma: Those are for the book club members. Oscar: Sssss! Sissy book club. I'm going for a smoke. Emma: You don't smoke. Oscar: I was just making an excuse to leave the house. Emma: Never feel you need an excuse to leave the house. Karen: Brent, you've been quiet. What did you think of the book? Brent: Well, uh... Lacey: Maybe Brent would like to talk after he goes into the kitchen for a glass of water. Brent: I thought it was interesting. I mean, both the boy and the tiger are taken from their normal environment and thrown into the artificial constraints of the lifeboat, where they're forced to reconstruct their social reality. Karen: Good point. Emma: Have a sandwich. Brent: All right. Hey, you know what this reminded me of? "The Saint in New York." Davis: Thanks. Hank: Hey, nice shirt. Davis: Thanks. Hank: No, see, I'm practicing my comedy. "Hey, nice shirt," it, it's a putdown. Davis: Oh, sorry. You just came across as sincere. Plus I think it is a nice shirt. Hank: Well, it doesn't help that you guys never heckle me like you're supposed to. Davis: Oh, sorry. You're not funny and I don't think you'll do well on comedy night. Hank: Yeah? Well...nice shirt. I gotta go practice in front of the mirror. You guys keep on me. Brent: See, normally the saint fights British underworld figures, but in this one he's in New York and fights a mafia. Karen: Interesting. Wanda: So he's been taken out of his environment? Brent: Exactly. That's my point. Karen: Well is he forced to reconstruct his social reality? Brent: No, he just fights the mafia. Karen: Still, though. Emma: This saint book sounds good. Maybe we should read it next. Lacey: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Um, I thought we were going to read "100 Year of Solitude" next. Emma: I don't know, that sounds like a lotta solitude. Brent: See, "The Saint in New York" has con men and gunfights. Karen: As a law enforcement professional, that intrigues me. Emma: Does this solitude book have con men? Lacey: No. Karen: Gunfights? Lacey: No. Wanda: Ya got nothin'. Karen: Thanks. Lacey: Oh, Karen, I'm glad you're here. I want to talk to you about the book club. Karen: I thought the first rule is don't talk about book club. Lacey: That's fight club. Karen: What do you know about fight club? Emma: Hey, I really enjoyed our last few books. I loved "Mack Bolan, Executioner #147." Oh, and "First Blood" was great. Lacey: Emma, I was just saying, don't you think we've sort of moved away from the kind of books we should be reading? I mean first that saint thing and then those two James Bond books. Don't you think we should be reading material we can learn from. Karen: I'm learning a lot in book club. I didn't know there were James Bond books. Now I've read two. Emma: I love the part where you use your imagination to create any James Bond you want. I combined Roger Moore's accent with Sean Connery's looks. Karen: What about Pierce Brosnan? Emma: His ass. Karen and Lacey: Oh. Karen: See you at book club! Brent: You see, what I find interesting about "First Blood" is the psychological complexity of John Rambo. Wanda: Hmm. You're right. Rambo's journey says a lot about society and how we treat people who perform unpopular, yet arguably necessary tasks. Emma: I like the part where he knifes the guy. Karen: Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, that was awesome. Brent: That was cool. Lacey: Oh, enough! Come on, you guys. There is more to literature than than detectives and, and spies and mercenaries. Karen: Hold on, Lacey. John Rambo is not a spy or a detective. Wanda: He's an ordinary man who was sent to fight a battle he couldn't win. Emma: If you didn't read the book, fine, just say so. But don't belittle it because you didn't do your homework. Lacey: No, I, I... Wanda: At least read a synopsis. Lacey: I read the book. Brent: Perhaps Lacey would like to talk after we go into the kitchen for a glass of water. Lacey: Oh, stop it. If we're just gonna read books like this, we might as well sit around and watch movies. Brent: You know, she makes a good point. Karen: You're right, Lacey. We should just watch the movies. Emma: I'm sick of using my imagination. Wanda: Then it's decided. From now on we just rent movies. Emma: Then we'll shoot pool. Brent: First movie, "Delta Force." Karen: Ooh, good idea. Wanda: Haha! Lacey: Okay, I give up. Wanda: Really? Lacey: Oh, yeah, that is it. That's it. No more book club for me. Karen: Movie club. Wow. Do you really think she quit? Brent: Well, if there's one thing Mack Bolan, executioner, has taught us, you can never leave the game. Oscar: Any little sandwiches left? Brent: Little sandwiches left. You don't know me at all, do ya? Oscar: Ah, sissy book club. Brent: What are you doin'? Oscar: Fixin' a rowboat. Brent: Rowboat or robot? Because I remember... Oscar: I know the story, jackass. I was watching TV with ya. Brent: Oh, yeah. I can't believe that guy stole my story. Oscar: It serves ya right for telling it to everyone. When a funny story happens to me, I keep my trap shut and file it here, so only I can enjoy it. I got some funny ones, I tell ya. Bob Lang: Hi. I'm supposed to do a show at a place called, uh, well, it's just says "town bar." Could you give me directions? Brent: I know who you are. Lang: Oh. Brent: I saw your show last year. Remember, we hung out? Lang: Oh, yeah, sure. So where can I find the town bar? Brent: Oh, it's a bit of a hike from here. Lang: Oh. Brent: Hike. Lang: Okay. Brent: You may have to cross a river in a rowboat. Lang: You sure we got the same place? It says "town bar." Brent: I saw you on TV. Lang: "Town bar." Brent: Hey, Hank. You suck. Hank: Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date later. Lacey: You're not funny. Hank: Ain't it sad when cousins marry? Oscar: Hi, Hank. Hank: Shut up, old man. Paul: As you know, it's comedy night. We got a great show, we'll have a lotta laughs. But first, Hank. Local #1: Way to go, Hank! Hank: Shut up. I'm doin' my job. I don't go to where you work and knock the burgers off the rack. Hey, nice shirt. How many couches did you have to kill for that? Wade: Why you makin' fun of a shirt? Wanda: This is worse than improv. Lacey: Ah, poor Hank. I didn't know he was going to memorize the whole list. Oscar: I think he's pretty funny. Not dingo funny, but funny. Lacey: Oh, Oscar, that reminds me, I looked that up. Dingoes live in Australia and lions live in Africa. Oscar: See? That's why you should never tell anyone your funny story. They just ruin it. Brent: Ah, well. Maybe if Hank really bites it, he'll hurt Bob Lang's show. Geez, I'd love to see that guy booed off stage. The way he used me for my story, I feel cheap and dirty inside. Lacey: Hey. You want me to ruin Bob's set? Give me two minutes. Hank: You, is that your face, or did your neck throw up? Brent: What do you think she's gonna do? Oscar: Ssshh. I'm trying to watch. Save your breath so you can blow up your couch later. And your shirt is stupid. Hank: Men and women are different in many ways. Lacey: Hi. Lang: Hey. Lacey: I just wanted to say I'm looking forward to seeing your show. I heard you were really funny the last time you were here in Wullerton. Lang: Wullerton? I thought I was in Wullerton tomorrow. Lacey: Oh, no, this is Wullerton. Lang: Stupid booking agents can't get anything right. Is there a place around here people like to make fun of, like a town people hate? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Dog River. Lang: Thanks. Hank: That's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen. All right, okay, that's it for me. And now it's time to bring out our main attraction. So let's have a big round of applause for Bob Lang, everybody, Bob Lang. Lang: Aw, thanks a lot. Big hand for Hank. Saskatchewan's answer to Don Rickles. Well, ah, it's good to be here. I was just in Dog River, so it's good to be anywhere. Let's just say people from Dog River, shallow end of the gene pool. Local #1: Boo! Lang: Don't you get it? Are you from Dog River or something? Cheers to the best town in all of Saskatchewan, Wullerton! All: Boo! Wade: Bring back mean Hank. All: Bring back mean Hank! Bring back mean Hank! Bring back mean Hank! Bring back mean Hank! Hank: Bob Lang, everybody! Brent: Geez, remind me never to get on your bad side. Your revenge is swift and brutal. Lacey: Aww. Thanks. Wanda: The way you used your knowledge of local geography to defeat the enemy was reminiscent of "Mack Bolan, Executioner #147." Brent: There's always one more mission. Lacey: I'll see you guys in movie club. Brent: You're back in? Lacey: You can never leave the game. Brent: Yeah, there you go. Brent: Hey, if you enjoyed our episode about reading, why not check out some of the books that we mentioned on our show? The "Life of Pi", by Yann Martel. "The Saint in New York", by Leslie Charteris. Don Pendleton's "Mack Bolan, Executioner #147", "Payback Game", by Jerry Vancook. And if you enjoyed our wildlife segment, check out 'Dingoes in their Habitat", by Jay Robertson, which isn't even a real book. Actually, it's just something our props guy, Jay Robertson, made for us. It's actually not a bad read. So visit your local library and get into the magic of reading. Dave: Pick up a book. Reading is cool. Brent: This guy's gotta be in everything. Category:Transcripts